Monthly Archives: June 2013

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Always Something Missing.

I don’t really know what to blog about now. I guess about how for the last 3 years of my life i have felt invisible, helpless. There’s always been something missing from my life I never quite new what it was. But now I realise that I need to stop searching for that something missing and concentrate on the parts of my life i already have and focus on getting better and making my life more than what it’s worth now.

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To Ihateyoudontleaveme this is for you!!!!!!!!

so I’m starting to think my life could actually be getting back on track, I don’t feel as lonely as yesterday, and me and my mum had a really good night tonight. Only thing is I know it’s probably too good to be true and it’s probably all going to fall apart tomorrow like every other time. But I really hope it doesn’t and to be honest I like the feeling of actually thinking you mean something instead of feeling like an empty piece of shit. And I think I feel like this because of a girl who commented on one of my post’s. She actually made me think that she actually gave a shit about me, and wanted me to get better. Thank you so much to that girl, I was so close to finishing everything today but then she completely changed my mind. You helped me in ways I can’t describe, and I would do anything to repay you if i could.

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never try to take apart a razor to cut!

never try to get the blades out of a razor using tweezers to cut yourself with, i slipped and cut my finger really bad, and had to go and tell my mum so she could put butterfly stitches on it, and come up with some excuse that i was going through my make up bag and didn’t know it was in there! think she kind of guessed! But any way now i might have to go to hospital and get stitches because it’s that bad erugh I HATE DEPRESSION.

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I’m scared of…

I’m scared of

– My life getting worst than it already is

-My dad finding out i remember…

-Being in a dark place alone, unless it’s my bedroom

-Being alone with just my brain

-My dad

-Me

-Not having depression

-Finding out who i really am

-Actually having a life

Most of all I’m afraid to live my biggest fear is life it’s self, 

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When I was younger

When I was younger i used to get asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, and all I ever said was a ballerina, the teachers always thought I was like all the other thousands of other girls who said they wanted to be ballerinas to, but i wasn’t like all them other girls, I really did want to be a ballerina it wasn’t just a little girl phase. Ballerinas are perfect, they are skinny, they have the perfect posture, and the best of all, they were able to stand on there pointes and I loved that being above everybody. I thought my dream was over when I was in  year 3 aged 7, i had a serious case of Glandular fever, I got it because I was to skinny, that’s when I also share my first memory of my dad. waking up in a hospital bed, him on the phone and said I’ll speak to you later i have to take this and walked out. what a dad hey, puts work before his daughter even though she was in a hospital bed. That’s pretty much my childhood from there on, in and out of hospital never seeing my dad and when i did he would be arguing with my mum or me, 

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Come to my senses, just need help now.

I think I finally have come to my senses I am depressed I need help, but how do I tell someone close to me I have a mental illness, It’s not like I can ask my mum, she thinks I’m crazy as it is, and I’ve only just moved here so I can’t tell one of my new friends they will probably just laugh at me like my old ones did and leave or bully me. I don’t know what to do any more my anxiety is coming back which means one thing socially awkward. I don’t want to go back to the old me, I promised my self I wouldn’t, and I wont. If only you were here still, standing by me, I could trust you then, now I’m not so sure…

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Bye .A.

why did i let you go? why did i say i needed a brake? i was to blind to see that you were the one who stood by me. you told me you write when your upset or angry and it helps, so here i am writing and you were right it does help. you were also right about something else to… i should of never let you go, it kills me to see how happy you are without me. Thing is i didn’t tell you the full story why i left you, and that was because i was scared and embarrassed that you would just call me a freak like all the rest did and leave. and i couldn’t stand to see another person leave. so i left before it was to late. i know now what i lost and i know i will never get it back, because of me i lost the only thing keeping me together in this whole thing one might call a life because i thought it was the one thing that was going to hurt me the most. i don’t really see the point in writing this because your never going to see it, and i don’t think anyone who cares will. even though it hurts me to say it. i lost you and now it’s my turn to suffer.bye .A. 

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count me out.

can my life get any worst than it already is?

– the odds are yes it probably can…

My life is a complete disaster, i am officially tired of my life i did not sign up for this shit. first my mum and dad split up then i find out he cheated on her TWICE! and then i find out my best friend tried to kill her self and weirdly i wish i was her then i lost the only person who actually meant soo much to me because i was selfish and broke it of, and now i’m cutting again and want to jump of a fucking bridge! i’m  so tired of not fitting in anywhere now i just want to give up, i moved from england to lanzarote for a new start and the only new thing about it it the house and the school, everyone treats everyone exactly the same back in england and im fed up now. i just want out.

I have just broken up for my 12 weeks summer holiday and all i can think about is will anyone actually call or text me and invite me out or am i just going to be a loner and sit inside wishing i was dead everyday and when i go back in 12 weeks time and someone ask me what i did over summer i’ll just say i went on holiday to see family in a made up place called reticka! I need help i am going mentally crazy. someone help? anyone….