Fate kept me alive…

hey guys,

i took some time of my blog for a while to think about some stuff.

I haven’t been so good lately, i got hospitalized again, and this time it was very bad!:( i was in hospital for 2 weeks, and i was in a ‘coma’ as a short way of saying it for about a week and a half it was the worst time of my life! i literally just gave up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and just remember waking up a week and a bit later!

Apparently when i was ‘asleep’ a girl called Emma who is 13 came and sat at the side of me everyday and talked to me and read to me! i was so shocked to hear this, and when i asked her why? she replied with

” that’s what a good human does, just people forget what a good human thing to do is, so you shouldn’t be asking me why, you should be asking everyone else why not.”

this girl was 13! and she had more kindness and passion than anyone I’ve ever met!

i was in hospital for another 4 days after i woke, and she still came and sat by me, and she pushed me to get better she made me believe i was strong enough!

it sounds weird but it was as if she was sent for me and that it was fate that i had met her, because when i was on my way to hospital i gave up i let my body shut down, i was facing the front entrance to death and it didn’t faze me at all!

so i’m back home now and i’m doing okay, i’ not great but i’m getting there, that was the closest to death i have been and will be for now!

Thank you for reading, and let me know of anything that’s happened to you that you think fate had to do with!:).

Numb.

numb.

the sting across our wrists is what keeps us alive.

strange isn’t it?

How someone can be that dead that the only way to live is by pain.

You hang on to that tiniest bit of hope that you will some day get through this.

But you still haven’t found it.

Have you?

Or maybe you have.

maybe it is just me.

If i’m as alone as i feel, the bit of hope i hold on to will evaporate.

Just like everything else.

But god i beg!

if there’s a god out there, please hear my prayer, i’m lost and i’m scared, And I’ve got no where else to go.

I’ve come a long way, but I’m not sure i can make it much further, so if your listening could you give a helping hand?

To the little girl who spoke to me the other day, Never ever feel like your not good enough, because that one little hint of self hatred, will be the beginning of the end of your tragic suicide.

Have you ever been made to feel so small like you don’t even exist?

Have you ever been made to feel so small like you don’t even exist?

It’s been a while but nothings changed, I’m still as lost as before i’m still depressed, still lonely.

It’s been a while but my dad still hasn’t contacted me, and it’s my birthday next week so i wonder if he will even remember.

It’s been a while but i still haven’t told my mum about me smoking or even the fact i’m Bisexual yet.

It’s been a while but i’m still stuck in this fucking body that disgusts me.

it’s been a while but i still hate people, and anywhere that isn’t either my room or the beach.

It’s been a while but i’m still fucked up and a disappointment.

Somethings never change you know? But god damn i wish they did.

Please let me know it’s not just me that’s fed up of life?  It’s not just me that has thins longing ache inside of her? it’s not just me who gets a headache every day from crying so much?

Have you ever been made to feel so small like you don’t even exist? I have and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world and i would advise you all to not feel this way because trust me all you want to do is die, i mean i pretty much don’t even exist anyway so what would it matter if i simply vanished?

Will i survive?

hello! i’m sorry it’s been nearly a month since i last posted!! but i’m back!!:D

so my last post was about making this new year better than last year; And well the first week was great i was feeling like i could manage things.. but then in the second week, i had a fall out with a friend and shortly after i got very ill:( i couldn’t even leave my bed! my anxiety was awful! i couldn’t stop shaking. that week was my worst moment (..if that even the right word..) in my depression for a while, i don’t know what triggered it i try to blame it on the argument with my friend but it just doesn’t fit:/

But anyway it wasn’t a good week and i was very very poorly as in the same week i actually had a bad week with my glandular-fever and at one point i was really struggling to breath, but the worst part was i wasn’t afraid to die. I actually closed my eyes and felt at peace, and i don’t know if that reassures me or makes me even more terrified that the next time i try to kill my self i could actually go through with it as i know i won’t be scared of what comes after.

Now a couple weeks later i’m still left thinking i don’t know if i’ll make it to the end of this year but i am going to fight and fight and if you see me posting in 6 or even 3 months time, i hope that one of you will be as proud as me as i will be of myself.

I say it all the time but i am so thankful that you take time out of you lives to read what i have to say and you comment your advice or even just words of kindness it really does help, and everyone of you that follow me make me want to fight even more. The actual thought that people are taking time to read what I have to say and what MY problems are is just unbelievable, i thank you, so very much.

The Blanc Girl xo

Liar Liar…

Hello Followers!

How was your new years? Hope you all had a good night!:)

In the last week i ended up falling for someone, and got my heart broken of course. It turns out the person i fell for was a complete liar. It still hurts to think how much i trusted this person to have it all blown back into my face! How could someone lie so easily? This week i also had a very big argument with one of my closest friends because of a boy!-.- even though i didn’t do anything wrong, and i put of so many things because i didn’t want to hurt her! but i still end up hurting her anyway! It’s just like even when you try to do the right thing it seems to be wrong anyway!

So i have had a pretty terrible week, the only thing that got me through it was to think about my new year resolutions and to think that this time next year i could be depression free!

Here are a few of my new year resolutions, feel free to comment what yours are down below!:)

1. Get up earlier
2. Don’t let people walk all over myself
3. Keep pushing though no matter what!
4. DO NOT SELF HARM! (i have now gone 3 weeks!:D)
5. BEAT DEPRESSION!!!!!!

I can do this! i know that this will be my year! and hopefully i will beat it for good this time!

Once again thank you to all my followers for your support and efforts, hope you had a great holiday!

I’m A Girl Who Suffers With Depression, Who Are You?….

Everybody says Christmas is ‘family time’ and it’s a time to celebrate and a time to give back to the people you love. But here’s a thought, What if you didn’t have any family? what if you didn’t have anything to celebrate?.

For me personally i do not like Christmas, it just reminds me of the worst of times. And i have nothing to celebrate? how is having clinical depression something to celebrate? Christmas just makes me feel sick, it’s the one time of year i have to put the biggest smile on my face and i really don’t know how people can think it’s real!

Is it just me? am i the only one who doesn’t like Christmas? please let me know!

Oh just a quick thank you to everyone who has been following my post’s and liking and commenting! all of your support doesn’t go unnoticed, and i’m starting to slowly get better!:) The doctors put me on some more tablets and i’m slowly beginning to embrace that this is me, this is who i am. I AM A GIRL WHO SUFFERS WITH DEPRESSION. who are you? let me know! and be proud of yourselves, love yourselves no matter what because the less you love yourself the heavier it gets to drag your self esteem on the floor.

Why Me? Why?

How come I keep getting like this? Why do i keep getting these moments when i just want to die and give up everything. I am so fed up of feeling this way. I have lost pretty much everyone and i don’t even know how? it’s like I’ve just forgotten everything that has happened in the last 3 months.

I am so unhappy right now; nobody can see it. I just want to be happy, i want to feel alive, i want to be in love, i want to have someone make me get butterflies. I just need something to make me feel well anything; it has been so long since I’ve felt anything. This darkness that has over come me seems to have taken over everything it is destroying me and i don’t know if i have the energy to fight it of.

I once got told that everything happens for a reason, but if that’s the case then why is god punishing me? What have i don’t wrong? Why me? Why?……

Mother Think’s I’m Crazy!

Depression is a weird illness. My mum think’s im mentally crazy!, and im basically on house arrest. she say’s it’s for my own good! but it’s not, i spend hours and hours in my room, with my brain, who just tells me to switch of and die already. and i agree with it. but i can’t seem to jump or slice deep enough. something is holding me back, but I’m not sure what? i need to find out before that something is to late.