Will i survive?

hello! i’m sorry it’s been nearly a month since i last posted!! but i’m back!!:D

so my last post was about making this new year better than last year; And well the first week was great i was feeling like i could manage things.. but then in the second week, i had a fall out with a friend and shortly after i got very ill:( i couldn’t even leave my bed! my anxiety was awful! i couldn’t stop shaking. that week was my worst moment (..if that even the right word..) in my depression for a while, i don’t know what triggered it i try to blame it on the argument with my friend but it just doesn’t fit:/

But anyway it wasn’t a good week and i was very very poorly as in the same week i actually had a bad week with my glandular-fever and at one point i was really struggling to breath, but the worst part was i wasn’t afraid to die. I actually closed my eyes and felt at peace, and i don’t know if that reassures me or makes me even more terrified that the next time i try to kill my self i could actually go through with it as i know i won’t be scared of what comes after.

Now a couple weeks later i’m still left thinking i don’t know if i’ll make it to the end of this year but i am going to fight and fight and if you see me posting in 6 or even 3 months time, i hope that one of you will be as proud as me as i will be of myself.

I say it all the time but i am so thankful that you take time out of you lives to read what i have to say and you comment your advice or even just words of kindness it really does help, and everyone of you that follow me make me want to fight even more. The actual thought that people are taking time to read what I have to say and what MY problems are is just unbelievable, i thank you, so very much.

The Blanc Girl xo

To Ihateyoudontleaveme this is for you!!!!!!!!

so I’m starting to think my life could actually be getting back on track, I don’t feel as lonely as yesterday, and me and my mum had a really good night tonight. Only thing is I know it’s probably too good to be true and it’s probably all going to fall apart tomorrow like every other time. But I really hope it doesn’t and to be honest I like the feeling of actually thinking you mean something instead of feeling like an empty piece of shit. And I think I feel like this because of a girl who commented on one of my post’s. She actually made me think that she actually gave a shit about me, and wanted me to get better. Thank you so much to that girl, I was so close to finishing everything today but then she completely changed my mind. You helped me in ways I can’t describe, and I would do anything to repay you if i could.